


How to Cope

by Stone_Heart



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Depression, Domestic Bliss, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Romantic Fluff, Social Anxiety, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-12 03:22:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10480968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stone_Heart/pseuds/Stone_Heart
Summary: After going back to Hasetsu for Yuuri's birthday, Yuuri begins to feel things that he thought were long past him. He tries his best to deal with them on his own, and Victor, obviously, is totally oblivious. But when things start to overwhelm him, and the world starts to breakdown, he pulls out his phone, and joins a chat room.





	1. The Thought

**Author's Note:**

> Just a thing, inspired by some recent events. I wrote this to cope with some stuff, and I think it turned out pretty great! It's based on some feelings, and some memories, and a sprinkle of imagination. Have fun guys!

It’s late here. It’s always late for him. Why is he up? A mop of soft, silver hair peaks up from the blankets beside him. A nose, slightly red from the cold brushes up his neck. Yuuri allows himself a small smile, and it’s almost enough.

He wants to climb back under, and bury himself with his lover, but another, deeper feeling. It tugs at the material of his clothing, at his bones, blinking, watching. _It_ , if you would even give it the dignity to call it an _it,_ is always there. Why is it there? Doesn't it have better things to do?

Why wouldn’t it leave?

His muscles ache from the jumps, from the stretches he’s been pushed into.

Victor is wonderful this way. In the moments where he feels his heart start to burn, and his patience unravel, Victor tapes him up, and pushes him harder. He’s firm, stern, lean from years of Yakov’s breath shouting him down like a storm.

And it’s perfect. Just what he needs, although he will admit it does hurt a little when he gets critical. It’s not fun when Victor starts to criticise him. It folds his stomach, kneading it until he feels sick.

“Don’t worry, you can always fix that later,” he said, earlier that day. His free leg, hanging all wrong as he pushes himself out, flaring his legs and arms, embracing the cold comfort of the ice beneath his feet. It was meant to be reassuring, but then why does it eat away at him, rolling in his belly? Its comforting, but all the well, its awful. Victor is trying to help. He’s only trying to help, but every word sends him back down.

Well, not every word. It’s fine when it’s just that, but added on top of everything he’s feeling makes the thought start to eat away at him.

The crickets are loud outside his window. A sliver of moonlight strikes a blade across their sheets, over to where their legs tangle together. The soles of Victor’s feet are cool, and they press up against him. Yuuri pulls away a little, easing himself back until he sits up.

The sheets have shifted. The blade rests over his hair, his face. Victor must have sensed something, because he turns, snuggling into the pillow

Heh, Victor is gorgeous.

And here it comes along again, dredging it all up in loops and curls, tugging along the roots. Each one is in sequence, and it all leads up to _that_. They come up like bulbs, thick, ugly. Yuuri recognises the though. He’s seen it many times, enough times. Far, too many, lonely times.

 

The Thought  
~***************~

_How did he end up with someone like **ME** …_

~***************~

 

The thought sets him cold. It’s ugly. It’s raw. It echoes through him like a sickening crunch. Yuuri doesn’t look at Victor. Not now. Not like this.

Yuuri stands up, laying the covers carefully back down beside him. He leans down to grab his slippers, and then he grabs him phone. He stays quiet. Can’t have Victor waking up. He couldn’t have that. He carefully slides open the door. Makkachin pads lazily around his feet, raising his sleepy head. His nose leaves little wet prints on his legs, and Yuuri leans down to pet the curls on his head.

“Makkachin,” he whispers gently, scratching his head. Makkachin blinks up at him, tail wagging. He doesn’t understand what’s happening. But something is going on, and it clearly exciting, right? Why else would he be up this late? Makkachin wiggles his body, sniffing around his legs to try and get around him.

“No,” he says, pointing. “No, bed. Bed, Makka.”

He bounds back into his bed, tongue out, expecting praise.

“Good boy.” He whispers out, gingerly closing the door behind him.

Yuuri runs his hands along the walls. The darkness swells around him, vibrating with the night. It makes his heart beat faster, but he shushes that thought.

“Shh,” he says, quietly. The air shifts, and Yuuri clenches his hands over the rails.

It’s fine.

It’s just the dark.

But it’s still a relief when he gets into the bathroom. His parent’s room are just across, so he doesn’t turn the light on, but he does fish his phone from his pocket, and switches it on. The light blurs his eyes, and he squints, allowing himself to adjust. It’s bright enough to burn.

Quickly, he types in his password, and opens the chat room. Scrolling past all the porn requests and RP rooms, he finds the one near the bottom of the list.

 

|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|

 

3:26am JPT

Welcome to: InsomniHeyo  
3/15 here

 

LowkeyOk: Hey.

 

Justaguything: Woah, heyo LkO

 

I24havebacon68: LKO!!!!!!!!!!!! DUDE DUEDE DUDE DUEDDWEWEW ITS FUKCING LATE@

 

LowkeyOk: It’s not that late

 

I24havebacon68: STFU AHHHHH *HUGS*

 

I24havebacon68: it’s like,,, 3 in japan though so….

 

LowkeyOk: *HUGS*

 

Justaguything: It’s really late.

 

LowkeyOk: I can’t really sleep tonight. My brain is buzzing like crazy, and I don’t want to wake up Victor.

 

I24havebacon68: I keep forgetting your married whats that like? DUDE your way older than us, so fucking weird.

 

Justaguything: You’re.

 

LowkeyOk: Oh, Victor is great! Honestly, he’s so understanding and kind

 

Justaguything: Bacon, why? Now he’s never going to shut up.

 

I24havebacon68: YOU’RE both so cute! I’m gonnna die alooooooone D:

 

LowkeyOk: and he’s helped me a lot.

 

Justaguything: B, you’re 17 chill please.

 

Justaguything: Why are you awake then? I mean, other than bacon, this place is kinda depressing, so…

 

I24havebacon68: I think that was a compliment? ❤ ❤ ❤

 

LowkeyOk: I mean, he’s really great.

 

Justaguything: and????

 

LowkeyOk: And I can tell him anything, he’s made that really clear.

 

I24havebacon68: ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤<#❤❤❤

 

LowkeyOk: But now I feel sort of down, and there’s no reason for me to be.

 

Justaguything: So? Tell him.

 

LowkeyOk: I don’t want to bother him. It’s stupid.

 

Justaguything: It’s not stupid, it’s just your brain, and chemicals, and stress, and I’m sure there’s a bunch of other stuff contributing to it, but there is no way in hell that it’s stupid. There is a reason you feel this way.

 

I24havebacon68: TELL HIM LKO-CHAN

 

Justaguything: Jesus

 

I24havebacon68: Then summarize next time, stop writing novels

 

Justaguything: If you’re feeling this way again, then you should tell someone. Rant to us if you need to. But he’s your husband.

 

LowkeyOk: yeah, I know. I should probably tell him. But things are good now, I don’t want to ruin anything again.

 

Justaguything: You don’t ruin things, please stop.

 

LowkeyOk: ok

 

I24havebacon68: He loves you!

 

I24havebacon68: No body loves me, so be happy!

 

Justaguything: @I24havebacon68 please? Come on

 

I24havebacon68: It’s okay, I love me, this is fine *SITS THERE WHILE HOUSE IS ON FIRE*

 

Justaguything: people love you, okay… don’t worry too much.

 

Justaguything: Same goes for you @LowkeyOk. He cares, it’s not like he married you for your street cred

 

LowkeyOk: ?_?

 

I24havebacon68: You have no street cred,

 

I24havebacon68: Right? 0.0

 

LowkeyOk: XD Okay.

 

LowkeyOk: I’m actually feeling better now,

 

I24havebacon68: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I24havebacon68: I’M GREAT AT CHEERing people up!

 

I24havebacon68: Tolf you @Justaguything! HAVE FUN WITH YOU’RE HUBBY LKO

 

Justaguything: Heathen, it’s ‘your’ in that context!

 

I24havebacon68: Youy’re

 

Justaguything: What are you even trying to say there?

 

LowkeyOk: Thanks guys, you’re awesome.

 

I24havebacon68: ILY @LowkeyOk ❤❤❤ *HUGS*

 

LowkeyOk: *Hugs*

 

Justaguything: I hope it works out!

 

LowkeyOk: Hopefully. I’m just stressing a little, but I’m good. I’ll try to get sleep,

 

I24havebacon68: BYE!

 

|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|

 

Yuuri is a stone cold liar.

He turns off his phone, leaning his head against the tiles.

Yes, he is a liar.

Because he still feels like shit.

 

*

 

Victor Nikiforov is a dream.

He leans in when the sun is just peaking at the windows, and kisses Yuuri, breath tasting sweetly of mint. His lips are warm, unlike his feet which press uncomfortably against his legs, and Victor kisses him until his eyes open.

This charming, beautiful, odd man. Victor is joyful in a way that seemed almost palpable, his laugh like the soft fizzle of champagne. It was tangible, like you could taste it in the air if you stuck out your tongue. His soft, pink lips, and sharp nose than likes to press into the shallow part of his neck. The charm rolls off his clean pressed shoulders in waves, with teeth like a military graveyard. Straight, white, uniform. A wink like a gunshot and eyes like bullets, bright blue that shot him straight through until he was starry eyed and blushing from head to toe. The uppity quirk of his lip that seems more dorky than ever before. He is a fantasy turned to reality. But real, physical, sweeter than he could ever imagine how sweet love should be, with that gold band around his finger as proof.

How could he have ever deserved this? That look in his eyes, like the whole world is before him.

So of course, being Victor Nikiforov, he would naturally notice.

“Are you okay?” He asks after he flubs another jump. A quad toe loop. A quad toe loop! He could do those in his sleep before, but that didn’t stop the ice from grazing his cheek when he miss-stepped. Victor frowns, rubbing something warm against his cheek. There is blood on the tissue.

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look so good,” says Victor, running a thumb under his eyes. Yuuri closes his eyes, leaning into the touch. “I’ll go get you some lunch.” He places a hand on his hip, chucking the tissue in the trash. “Just wait, I’ll be back in a second.”

He’s gone.

The feeling hit him like a truck, and suddenly he’s gritting his teeth against them as they roar past. He’s only gone for a second, but that, apparently, is enough for Yuuri to have this reaction. It’s not that he’s gone. Victor kept this all back. With Victor in the room, he couldn’t feel this way. Victor is lively. He pushes out every other emotion, but now it feels like a tidal wave.

 _Are you serious?_ His thoughts take on a mocking form. _He’s just out of the room, and here you are having a mental breakdown?_ Yuuri shivers, reaching into his bag for his water bottle. _Get a grip, I thought you were a man, at least._

“Ahh, I found it!” Says Victor, pulling along a duffel bag. Yuuri reaches for his eyes, intending to wipe away tears, but there’s nothing there. The grin sits uneven on his lips. “I left it in the locker room again.”

“Right,” says Yuuri, smiling as Victor passes him a sandwich.

He holds it back until he hits the shower. The shivers come back, wracking his body for any trace of joy, beating it out at the corners like he’s a rug. The settling dust leaves him in shudders.

_Couldn’t even land that jump today. I bet Victor totally loved that._

_And grazing your cheek? Are you actually kidding? I thought you were good at this, you’re supposed to be good at this. This is your job, remember!_

_He looked disappointed today. I know he won’t leave, but don’t you think we’re too much of a burden on him sometimes? He could coach anyone in the world, and here we are, hogging his time._

_You gained weight recently. Didn’t you notice? I noticed. Wow, you want to compete in the Olympics with this body? Haha, oh wait, that wasn’t a joke, was it?_

_I hope he doesn’t get annoyed. I really hope he doesn’t._

_Vitya is going to notice that extra flab. You better lose it fast. You’re barely anything compared to him as it is, you still think he’s going to want you if you look like a pig?_

Yuuri chokes down a cry. All he wants to do is curl up, and forget. He doesn’t want to think. What would Victor do if he saw him like this.

Luckily, the tears are invisible like this. The water beats his face, and he lets the tears flow. The water is hot, and he clenches his fingers, hard enough to leave marks.

So he cries, and-

It dribbles down the drain.


	2. The Over-stimulation

The glass of champagne was pulled from his hand.

“Come on, love!” Said Victor, his wide smile addictive as hell. Yuuri could feel the edges of his mouth tugging upwards. “Are you going to drink tonight?” He tipped the liquid into his mouth, felt the sparkle over his tongue. His nose dipped into the glass, the sprinkle of bubbles tickling his skin.

The grin was mirrored.

“Oh, you’re drinking again?” Said Chris, his arm slung around a brunet. He looks down at Chris, a bit bemused. “Should we get ready for another show? This is about to get quite exciting!”

“Maybe not this time, at least, not as much” he mumbled, face heating. “And besides,” this is when Victor looks at him, the corners of his eyes crinkling with the beginnings of wrinkles, although he looks boyish with that beaming smile. Its light could kill him. “I don’t think I need to.”

He sipped the rest of his drink, felt the bubbles fill his chest and lungs. The guests around him mingled, but he stood to the side, watching. Victor was laughing with another, a gentle glow about him. God, how he wanted to kiss him now.

Hell, Yuuri wanted to kiss him all the time. But with the champagne ever so slightly settling his nerves, he was a lot more tempting. He was far from drunk, but the alcohol made the room feel fuzzy and light. Like this, he could pluck up his courage. Yuuri moved across the floor. The lights, bright and gold gave Victor a halo.

“You want to dance?” He breathed, heart leaping up in his chest. Victor turned, and grinned. Victor couldn’t have wanted more, twinning his hand into Yuuri’s. Normally, Yuuri would have felt bad for pulling him away from his clearing riveting discussion, but he couldn’t will it in himself to care.

“Sorry, we’ll talk later,” Victor threw over his shoulder, before turning back, and lacing their hands together. He sparkled. “What did you have in mind,”

And in a move that he’d been thinking of for barely more than half a second before attempting, he grinned, sinking Victor into a drop. He looked terrified for a moment before the laughter would come. Yuuri giggled, placing a kiss on his cheek, missing and hitting his lips instead. “Just you,” he mumbled.

Victor’s ears went red, and with those two words he let himself melt into Yuuri.

 

*

 

The dream has him smiling all day.

He feels lighter. Heck, he’s practically in the clouds, jumping perfect quads over the ice. He spins, hands reaching out into the air, grappling with the sky before wrapping back around his body sensually.

Victor’s eyes glow as he runs them down to his thighs, back up, over his stomach. This is easy, they move on their own, and he doesn’t stop watching Yuuri.

Yuuri bites his lip, lifting his leg. A half-Biellmann, and it’s like he can feel Victor’s pressing into the side of his neck like kisses. He lifts his leg higher, hoping to elicit those striking bedroom eyes. It’s a bit of a stretch, but it’s not too bad. Especially with the look Victor gives him. It is absolutely worth it.

Fireworks burst in his stomach as he swings into a death drop. Victor’s gaze, like the graze of fingernails down his back, make him feel alive. Pumping the air into his lungs, and the blood in his veins, and the strength in his legs as dips into his Ina Bauer.

And damn, he feels sexy today.

It feels like a new discovery, even though it’s not, but when was the last time he felt this way? Like he could enthral Victor like this, just his body, and the ice.

“You’re different,” says Victor, a finger over his lip in confusion. He’s always touching those lips, running his thumb over them, smearing lip balm on them before he goes for his morning runs.

Those lips were going to kill him. He turned, resisting the temptation, still having at least twenty more jumps to do before Victor would be satisfied.

He could satisfy him in other ways…

Yuuri nearly smacked his head into the side of the rink for that thought, but recovers, and spins into his first sequence of jumps.

Yuuri won’t kiss him now, but while he moves his hands up his body, he is sure to press his hands in, gripping tight with his fingers. Allowing his shirt to fall back slightly. Okay, the first one was intentional, but shirt thing happened all the time.

Victor’s shirts were always loose, not because he was bigger, but because he loved to pull his arms in through the holes. It would stretch the front of the material. It wasn’t his fault if it flew up at times.

After his jumps, Victor looked just about ready to devour him.

“Don’t forget to stretch!” he called out, voice just a little too bright to be natural. “I’ll pack up everything, just finish up.”

“Alright,” he says, pulling off his skates, rubbing at the marks.

They walk back home together, fingers against fingers as they watch the sun sink into the water. The beach is a cold yellow, bronze clouds and golden streaks. If you wished to complete the metaphor, you could even say the white sand looked like silver in this light, even if that would be a bit of a stretch.

Victor is always so gentle with him.

When they get home, they creep up the stairs like disobedient teenagers. Yuuri is 100% certain that his parents know about their relationship, heck, the whole world knows, but something about sneaking up the stairs at this time of the night ignites the sense of rebellion in his stomach.

Along with something else, of course.

Victor is unrelenting, perfect mouth grinning, right before taking him down in one swallow, all the way down.

He covers his mouth, trying to stop the delicious noise from spilling into the air. It’s early, Mari is probably still up, and his parents are in the other room, and he’s sure they wouldn’t appreciate these sounds. Victor encourages him, smiling against his thigh while he pushes him into the bedsheets.

And the heat of him is absolutely decadent. Victor loves it like this, leaning forward, bringing his hands to clutch at Yuuri’s jaw. He feels trapped, Victor’s arms ensnaring him, fingers tangled in his hair, knees ensuring that there will be no escape. Yuuri might as well be bound, it certainly feels that way. He’s soft, gently sinking down onto his cock, and there: his face breaks open at the feeling, utter ecstasy.

The first few strokes are slow; he needs to adjust himself to the feeling. Victor slides from his hair, down his chest, dipping at his stomach for a moment. Yuuri resists pushing himself up into the heat, deeper. It’d be far more worthwhile if he waits, holds himself back.

His hips roll like the ocean, and there isn’t enough room for him to buck up, just enough for him to take it without question. Yuuri laughs, using his hands to pull Victor’s hips down, all the way. Victor’s thigh trembles. He groans, leaning his head back, breathing hard.

“Aa- Yuuri,” he grumbles. “Heh, are you- hmm!”

“Hmm?” He says, pushing down on Victor’s hips with a bit more strength, just to see the struggle and heat in his eyes. They go wide, shallow tropical water turning to mist. “Don’t forget to kiss me,” he mumbles, a silver trickle of fear settling in his stomach.

Is that the sort of thing to ask while having sex? Asking someone to kiss him, Victor to kiss him. Should he even have to ask? Shouldn’t Victor know, tell by the straining of his back as he leans forward? There was no etiquette, no rule book to this.

Victor is the only one who knows what he looks like in this state, a flush splashed across his back, sweat dripping from his hair, glasses fogged up. Victor has loved many people, Yuuri knows he’s slept with more people than he could count on one hand. They’ve spoken about it before, but that’s not what bothers him about it.

How does Yuuri compare to all those lovers?

But Victor doesn’t stop to contemplate, going forward on his elbows. Yuuri slips for a second, but is quickly inside him again. Those soft lips, smooth and warm, taste a little bitter, but it’s not even an afterthought as Victor gently pulls him closer. They could be embracing, and Victor is just so warm and soft against him that he feels like he’s melting.

No, he is melting. Into the duvet, through the sheets, seeping into the springs then the floorboards. Yuuri is dropping, sinking into the earth.

Victor is the first to come, quietly into Yuuri’s hand. He barely makes more than a whimper, curling forward slightly. The red climbs up his chest. The colour is beautiful on his skin. Victor breathes deeply, looking down.

“Yuuri,” he mumbles, shifting slightly, and it makes him tense. He makes to pull out, but Victor just frowns. “What…?”

“You finished, I don’t want to overstimulate you,” he says quickly. Victor laughs.

“No, it’s fine, go until you’re done.” He says, no, breathes into his mouth, closing it in with a kiss. Makes him inhale the words. He pulls back, smiling.

Yuuri is slow again, pushing up. Victor makes more noises now, and his breathing halts and stutters with every movement Yuuri makes. Victor’s hands dig even tighter into the sheets, and he curses in hard Russian. He trembles, but Victor doesn’t stop. His cock is soft, but he whimpers.

“Are you okay?” he asks, then repeats in Russian. Victor blinks at him, laughing through wet lashes. “You’re not…”

“No, please, just keep going- ah- its -geh- fine!” He shows all pearly whites, and pulls Yuuri closer. “I really like this, so please don’t stop -ahh-“ A groan that would definitely be loud enough for Mari to hear tumbles so casually from his mouth.

Yuuri’s hips snap forward, then stuttering. Going this slow, it’s not enough to get him over that edge.

“Yuuri, come on.” Says Victor, gritting his teeth. “Come now, it’s fine.”

That’s all the permission he needs to start pounding away, eating Victor’s groans from his mouth to stop him from making the whole house aware of this. He spills into him, white flaring out across his eyes before fading to the corners of the corners of the room.

Victor is quaking from the overstimulation, half hard.

“I’m s-“

“Shh, shhh,” he sooths, still reasonably shaken from it. “I liked it, I really, really liked that, Yuuri.”

They promptly drop off after a shower.

Then why does he feel like total shit in the morning, drained, and used up? It’s early, about 3:30am when he leaves the house. He feels conflicted, both jittery and deathly empty at the same time.

Why does he feel this way? Yesterday was amazing, Victor had looked so satisfied, he had been so caring and strong in his own ways that just made Yuuri’s head spin. But the morning was horrible. That cold, wet feeling. Awful, damp, and sickening.

The sex wouldn’t fix him, he knew that, Yuuri wasn’t that stupid. Victor loving him, and caring for him, none of that would fix him, meld him back into some more useful or convenient shape.

The seagulls sound like they’re screaming, and Yuuri feels the urge to do so too. He wants to beat his fists into the ground until they bled, and then maybe his brain would understand. His thoughts might not be so cloudy, so warped and hollow.

Instead of screaming into the ocean, the water, the waves, he substitutes it with something else. He makes himself a compromise.

Yuuri digs into his legs with his fingernails, pulls up his socks, and runs until he feels his head go numb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is kinda therapeutic to write.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed that! I will be continuing, so don't worry! If you want to suggest things to me, or just to talk, come over to https://www.tumblr.com/blog/stone-heart-of-gold!
> 
> See you all again soon! Writing this is a little heavy for me, so it probably might be every two weeks? Either way, see you all next chapter!


End file.
